Lord, Let Your Servant Go in Peace

“Lord, let your servant go in peace…”

Mentally exhausted, sleep-deprived, hungry, almost in a deranged state, drunk with mixed emotions. T’was a tiring day.

After months of preparation for the Ministry of Altar Servers’ pre-investiture and renewal recollection, it has come to pass. We’ve successfully manuevered the barque through the rough waves and shallow waters albeit not without any distraction nor hardships.

As I reflect and ponder upon the things that just have transpired, I realized that it is God’s grace that enabled us to sail through these stormy seas. Without His grace, the ship could have capsized as soon as it started sailing. But here am I, telling the stories and tales of these journey. I am overwhelmed and dumbfounded as I look through the past days, weeks, and months. How can it be that I , His unworthy servant, was be able to attend to the needs of the servers entrusted to my care as head of the Committee on Formation? For two years (since 10 September 2016), I’ve been the head of the Committee and I have been instrumental to the formation of atleast three batches of Altar Servers (Batch 2015, Batch 2016, and Batch 2018).

For atleast two years, I have been planning and making projects on how to bring up better and able servers that would bring back the sense of the sacred into the liturgy. And although I see good results, the negative comments and reactions seem to hover above me. The parish priest will often be dissatisfied with the service of our servers and would make remarks such as “hindi pa pulido”, “hindi marunong”. These comments which must be taken as constructive criticisms are somewhat like sharp knives that would pierce my heart since I am giving my time and effort to the expense of my studies just to be able to fulfil my duties.

Going back, I find myself in a road with two divergent paths, to continue the race, or to let another finish it for me. I am too exhausted to go beyond. Could I still carry on?

The Recollection Proper

Today, we just finished the Recollection we’ve prepared a month ago. The theme was: Maglilingkod Ako: Ang Sakristan sa Makabagong Mundo. I led and facilitated the recollection because our leader is currently working in the BPO industry. It was a challenge for me since I lack leadership skills. I am anxious whether I would be able to lead this event properly. Inspiration finally came when our leader, before departing for work, showed up and encouraged us. The assurance of his support gave me the much needed courage and inspiration to work harder for our beloved ministry.

6:15 pm
The recollection should have started at 5:00 pm yet the  so-called “Filipino time” prevailed, causing it to start at 6:15 pm. Since the president was absent, all the weight fell into my shoulders and representing him, I commenced the program and gave the house rules. At first, I can still see the playfulness in their countenance, but when the first talk started, everybody’s mood changed. The first talk was delivered by me. It was entitled “Ano ang Paglilingkod? (What is Service?)” in which I discussed that service must be centered on God, and not on ourselves. Genuine service is a sacrifice that a server can offer as a pleasing oblation to the Lord. Little things done with great love, just like S. Therese’s little way. The theme also concerned the seemingly disappearing gap between senior servers and the junior servers and its negative implications.

7:10 pm
Then came the activity: Charades. Former servers versus aspirants. Each take turns in acting and guessing vessels, actions in the Mass, etc. The atmosphere of seriousness immediately disappeared and came the playful attitude again. We had to cut the game since it is getting a little late for the dinner time. Then came the first blow.

7:45 pm
It was agreed upon that no aspirant may go outside to buy or roam but for some reasons, some of them insisted that they be allowed to leave to buy food. Everyone was shouting and the hall was filled with noise. Since I cannot control nor contain the situation, I went in for a break. I appointed another server from the Committee on Discipline to control the situation. Eventually, I allowed the aspirants to go out and buy dinner as long as they are accompanied by a server their senior. I broke my own word. I cannot enforce my own rule. Am I still capable of doing things the right way? Would I still be able to stand firm on my words? Luckily, the feeling of dread left me after some time of quiet reflection.

That night I did not eat since all my appetite for food left my soul and it was filled with the feeling of hunger for things more noble and great, and my mind dwelt on the future of our Ministry. What would tomorrow bring?

9:05 pm
Then there was sharing. There were four groups where reflections on service are shared and expressed by everyone. At 9:45 pm, lights were put out. It is time to sleep. The darkness brought me comfort and joy, the emptiness of the place due to the absence of light soothes my aching mind and heart.

2:00 am
With the aid of three bottles of cervisiam shared with friends, everything became lighter and I became determined more than ever to finish this race. And we rested our poor and exhausted bodies. Sleeping conditions were somewhat favourable. The cold “ber-climate” in Alfonso made sleeping easy, yet with the clumped space we are contained in, it means that you can find your face literally next to another’s. It is no problem since everyone is tired and we cared to grab a sleep. A little chat also helped lighten the mood of everyone.

5:00 am
The bells are now tolling, calling the people for Saturday Mass. We woke up at 5:30 am although most aspirants were awake hours prior. Not included in the recollection, but a personel in the parish tasked us to retrieve the advent wreath stand from the second floor of the belfry. It was a job that requires atleast three or four skilled persons since the space was in no way largely easily accessible. Back in the hall, the extra time was used in preparation for the recitation of the Holy Rosary of the BVM.

 

6:30 am
We prayed the Holy Rosary and invoked the sweetest name of our Mother on a day specially dedicated to her – a Saturday. Each Aves are love messages addressed to Mary, our dearest Mamma.

7:30 am
After the Holy Rosary led by Adrian (secretary pro-tempore) and Rafael (aspirant), it was supposed to be the breakfast time yet since most servers already ate a little upon waking up, we thought it would be best to transfer it to another suitable time. We decided to proceed to Talk 3, a letter from Mr. Jericho Christian Aguiatan addressed to the servers of the parish. In the talk, he discussed commitment and service. Following the talk, the aspirants were given a break time. They can eat, drink, etc. while I prepared the sacristy for the last activity, the taking of vows.

8:30 am
The last Talk was delivered by Adrian in which I supplemented some other situations. The talk was all about the challenges a server may face during his time in the ministry. This includes distractions, oppositions from outside and within, and the temptations of careerism.

9:45 am
The solemn part of the recollection was done inside the sacristy, in the corner with the vintage crucifix, the images of SS. Lorenzo Ruiz and Pedro Calungsod. At the left side was a chair where the president would sit, at the centre was the Gospel book opened at the gospel passage for the Feast of S. Lorenzo Ruiz, and the formula of the vow. At the right corner was the flag of the Knights of the Altar (former name of the Ministry of Altar Servers). The president sat on the chair and the aspirants and servers -one by one- went to him to receive affirmation and fraternal bond. The conversation between the two of them is private and sacred.

I am sure my conversation with the president was the lengthiest. In fact, as I knelt down to receive his words to me, the “short words” prescribed by the ritual quickly turned into a lenghty conversation that he dispensed me from kneeling and instructed me to get another chair. As we talked, I can feel his sincerity and concern. He thanked me for my service and help. Other things ought not to be disclosed but these parts of the conversation were the ones that really moved me a lot. I was on the verge of crying as I felt the weight of the responsibility on our shoulders. The conversation keeps getting longer and I felt like we could talk for another hour so we had to cut the exchange of words although I noticed that he has other things to say. Nevertheless, that conversation turned out to be the crowning moment of the recollection. I then placed my hand on the Sacred Gospels and uttered the oath, promising that I would serve unconditionally. I felt peace when he gave me the Pax using the Roman manner. We both exited the sanctuary and it was over. We gave short instructions to the servers and aspirants, and everything is done.

1:10 pm
Before going home, we again exchanged words and appreciation, and before bidding farewell, exhanged a fraternal hug that affirmed everything. I felt as if I was hugging God himself. I was tired. I was hungry. I was exhausted. But not anymore.

God supplied to the defects of my human body His grace. Yes, I am tired, but I know this would not be the end of the journey. Tomorrow, we again sail. We may continue to experience storms and tempests, but at the end, God still controls everything. Just trust Him.

But for me, I am nothing but a weak servant, and maybe, God is telling me that I am not for this field. I may be an expert when it comes to rubrics and decrees, writing letters and correspondence, making reports, the liturgy, etc, but when it comes to having personal conections -cor ad cor- I am not that gifted. Maybe there are some who are more worthy than me, and I trust the Lord that He would not forsake nor abandon this Ministry.

Now, I sleep, I rest, I replenish all the lost energy.

Lord, let your servant go in peace!

LEO ANGELO